From Burnout to Lighting a Fire in My Belly
Burnout is real. It’s all-consuming and it’s invisible until all of a sudden, it’s kicking you in the head. And in the heart. And in the soul. Burnout is where my story begins.
Anyone who knows me, knows I can get a bit intense. When I find something I’m passionate about, I dive in head first. I hyper-focus. That’s what I had been doing with my career my whole life. I truly believed it was who I was. Being a mom came second. Being a wife came third. Being healthy? That came in at about tenth place.
I woke up one day overworked, extremely overweight, and so stressed it was making me sick. Literally, sick. I was a few late nights of take-out away from diabetes and I’m pretty sure I had stress-induced ulcers brewing. I knew deep down I needed to change but I had no idea how. And then, as if it was meant to be, my doctors’ office (conveniently located in my office building so I never have to leave, ever ever) invited me to join a lifestyle medicine program.
Eight full weeks of whole food plant-based eating, support meetings, medical and nutritional check-ins, and (UGH) the gym. As always, I embraced this new project with zeal, all except the gym part. I told myself if I went in every day for just 10 minutes than that was already an improvement. But then, I met Brian. I had never really talked to him before but he listened to my concerns and eased me into working out. Little by little, he pushed me. My body ached in places I never knew could ache that bad. “Sneaky mean” is what I called him because he seemed so gentle and sweet and yet he was kicking my ass the entire time.
But I was also shocked at how much stronger I was getting. And the more comfortable I got with feeling uncomfortable in my own body, the more I wanted to be outside. It was like nature was calling me and my new found ability to move. And to be honest, I’d much rather be pushing myself physically while taking in fresh air, beautiful scenery and sunshine than in a gym blasting bad 90’s hip-hop.
ON a 6 mile hike at Interstate palisades park
Hiking Ringwood state park
Hiking with the fam
I started going on hikes. I started researching hikes. I started daydreaming about hikes. I decided I was going to go on the ultimate hike: I was going to walk the Camino de Santiago—6 days of backpacking through little towns, well-worn woods, and “the way” of Northern Spain. Planning it felt like an adventure and I was so excited to continue my wellness-journey with Brian by my side (since he decided to come with me). And then, out of the far east, a little thing called COVID-19 changed our lives forever. Just like that, our hopes for a big hiking adventure slowly began to fade. But instead of letting that get me down, I used what I learned during the planning process to give way to something new. And that’s what’s kept me going.
This blog post started with burnout but it’s ending with a fire burning deep within me. I feel I’ve started on a path with no return. I feel the need to explore and it’s inspiring; a real and true awakening. Nature is synonymous with healing to me now. From natural foods to the peace that being in nature offers all of us. I still have a long way to go but I’m looking forward to it.
Maybe it’s because I was so disconnected from my body and from my health and from the entire world out there while I was stuck in my “work” bubble. Or maybe it’s because I’m about to turn 40. Whatever the reason, in the past 12-months, I’ve learned:
Hiking with my fitness ride or dies
enjoying lake life with my bestie in Elmore, Vt
walking on vacation with sister-wife and friend, natalie (fitness professional)
I have an amazing support system to help me meet my health & wellness goals
I can now add “nature” to the list of “loves of my life”. It’s allowed me understand what being present means and that’s benefited me in my home life, work life, and life-life.
I’m really good at planning trips, so much so, that it’s become a second calling.
Motivating others motivates me.